The Lost Art of Flirtation

My parents’ generation still flirted. There was appreciative banter between men and women in stores, at the garage, and at parties. It was one of the little pleasures of life, this sign that somebody found you attractive. You felt seen. It was not about picking someone up or taking them to bed. Flirtation came with an “if only” sign. Flirtation signaled, “I find you appealing. If only!”

There are a hundred “if onlys”: if only you and/or I weren’t taken, if only we had more time, if only we were the same age, if only we lived near each other. The fact that most flirtation had no outcome made it light and safe. Flirting was usually flattering and fun, leaving both parties uplifted.

And it wasn’t just for the young. My mother, Glynne, went on flirting into her eighties, although she was, at the time, happily married. She would look a man in the eye and then look downward, smiling (a flirtatious ploy apparently common throughout the world). Or she would touch her finger to his wrist for one brief moment. Or she would make a mildly suggestive remark, perhaps a double entendre. Her elderly male friends adored it (though not always their wives).

Flirting and charm go together, and charm has also fallen out of style. To charm someone is to beguile and enchant them. Perhaps we fear being helpless and manipulated and so are suspicious of charm. Yet a person of charm is often a person of empathy who picks up on subtle hints. One way to charm another, as sales people know, is to express interest and insight into who they are. We are charmed because we feel understood—the ultimate draw.

My mother was charm personified. I sometimes watched as she met someone new, man or woman. I saw her give the person her entire attention. It seemed her eyes and ears actually grew bigger. Soon, the talk would get animated, and phone numbers would be exchanged.

Charm is not in vogue today, which is a pity. A charming man or woman makes life more fun. A charming individual knows just how to make you smile and just how you like to be teased. Gentle teasing, of course, is a good way to flirt, as it implies intimacy and affection.

Quin, in Mary Gaitskill’s new novella This is Pleasure, says: “I flirted. That’s all it was. I did it to feel alive without being unfaithful.” Nonetheless, he is ruined for a pinch here, a touch there. Mature women might simply remove that hand, maybe slap it, and move on, but younger women are not so forgiving.

But I digress: any sort of touching goes way beyond flirting.

Flirtation is always light-hearted, never threatening. To flirt is to maintain a delicate balance between interest and restraint. Flirtation “incarnates concession and withdrawal in the playful rhythm of constant alternation,” wrote the 19^th century German philosopher George Simmel in his essay “Flirtation.” “Flirtation is play because it doesn’t take anything seriously.”

I came of age in the sixties, and my Boomer generation was not into flirting at all. Perhaps it was too indirect, too courtly. We were throwing off the shackles of earlier traditions and throwing out flirtation as well. Total honesty among strangers and friends was ideal. Why be indirect when you could hit the nail with the hammer? “You are so far out. Wanna come to my place?”

Still, until about twenty years ago, there was some residual flirtation in the workplace that might not be tolerated today. It was okay to compliment somebody’s outfit or hairstyle at the office, even if the person was of the opposite sex; it wasn’t thought to be sexual aggression. Inquiries into somebody’s weekend plans were just common courtesy and not considered stalking. Studies indicate that flirtation in the workplace is just a form of fun and is rarely viewed as threatening. (Henningsen, David (2004). "Flirting with meaning: an examination of miscommunication in flirting interactions". Sex Roles. 50 (7–8): 481–489.) It seems a shame to stamp out something so benign.

The men and women in the generations after mine seem more cautious in general about relating to each other. My sons came of age during HIV, and as they grew up, colleges were mandating rules of consent (a big improvement over the silent wrestling of my youth). I think many young people today don’t dare flirt, either because the other person might respond too completely or because they are genuinely worried about causing offense. What is the line between flirtation and harassment?

Recently, a woman in my neighborhood found a note under her windshield wiper with the simple message: “You’re cute.” Instead of being pleased at this sweet and inoffensive sentiment, she got worried. What, she asked her neighbors, should she do? Some of the respondents on NextDoor thought she should now park in different locations; others thought she should take the note to the police. I’m surprised they didn’t demand DNA testing and a public execution.

Perhaps the younger generation misses flirtation. I’m heartened by an interview in The Wall Street Journal (September 25, 2023), “Amelia Dimoldenberg Thinks We’re All Forgetting How to Flirt.” https://www.wsj.com/style/amelia-dimoldenberg-chicken-shop-interview-3ca86c0a

Dimoldenberg, 30, is a British comedian and host of the YouTube channel, “Chicken Shop Date,” which has two million subscribers. She talks about one aspect of flirting, the put-down: “Maybe it’s the Britishness of me, but part of flirting is taking someone down a peg. Sort of pointing out things that you think they love about themselves or think they’re the best at, and then you’re sort of poking fun at them in a sweet way. Flirting, to me, is making fun of boys.”

Who isn’t intrigued by a person who knows your point of pride and jokes with you about it? “You are just ridiculously tall!”

Occasionally, I throw a mild flirt (a little joke, a raised eyebrow) at someone I encounter in my day – the officer at the bank, the jeweler who fixes my earrings – just to see what will ensue. To be honest, I can’t tell if they even notice! Most of us are no longer attuned to flirtation, nor do people expect it from a woman of my years.

But one group of people is still flirtatiously inclined. Gay men still flirt, at least the ones I meet. At parties, they are lively and engaged, easily slipping into a teasing mode, even with straight women. That’s why we find them delightful! By their animation and intensity, they acknowledge our appeal, but their basic desire for men is the ultimate “if only.”

If only . . . we still lived in a flirtatious age! An age of innuendo and suggestion and wit. Flirting is playful and fun, a simple way to add some flavor to the day. Flirtation acknowledges that we are alive to attraction, and it serves up the message with sweet comic rue.

Flirtation says “You are adorable, and we will never . . .”

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A shorter version of this piece appeared last December in NextAvenue, a PBS newsletter for viewers over 50.

Image by Dall-e