Throughout our lives, we have all sorts of friends: childhood friends, college friends, work friends, parent-friends, gym-friends. With these friends, we mostly bond by doing something together: playing, studying, partying, working, parenting, exercising.
In later life, however, our friendships tend to flourish not because we do something together but because we talk well together. At a minimum, we expect interest and empathy from our friends. At a maximum, our conversations fortify and inspire each other. Together we can reach insights and conclusions we might never have reached on our own. But any old talkwon’t do.
First, we must agree, usually implicitly, on conversational etiquette. We both must like the same amount of talk in general. Friendship doesn’t usually work if one of you is a chatterbox and the other prefers silence. If you go on a hike, it may be ruined if one of you is constantly exclaiming about the plants and the view while the other one just likes to soak it all in. Usually, we prefer conversational parity.
How we converse is also important. In our enthusiasm for a topic or in our fear we may forget some brilliant thought that’s just popped up, we may at times interrupt our conversational partner, with varying results. Sometimes what we add is really so wonderful that it’s well worth our outburst—but that’s rare. Usually, our partner is simply indignant at being shut down.
One intimate who often interrupts me explains herself as follows: “I know what you’re about to say—and it’s boring, and you’re wrong.” Needless to say, this attitude does not enhance our dialogue. After many years of this, I’m so triggered by her cutting me off that even if she barges in while I’m saying something trivial, I’m likely to just walk away, literally and figuratively.
Knowing how frustrating it is to be interrupted, I try not to do it myself, but sometimes I am simply irrepressible, especially with a stimulating person who inspires me to Important New Thoughts! My partner is likely to be as enraged as I am when being cut off, no matter the quality of my insight. Then I have to apologize, and the whole conversation gets side-tracked.
Some people occasionally get tongue-tied as they search in their mind for the mot juste. You learn by experience which people are relieved when you can supply the right word, and which are indignant. I usually let a few seconds pass before I ask, tentatively, “Did you mean ‘fungible’?” or whatever. When I guess right, they are usually relieved.
I remember one boyfriend who had a large vocabulary, often derived from his reading. After he’d mispronounced a couple of obscure words, I asked if he wanted to be corrected when he did so—because I would always want to know this sort of thing. But he shook his head, and I held my peace. I’m glad we established this rule, for I would have offended and maybe constricted him otherwise.
The tone of a conversation is also important. Is it warm and jokey or hostile and mean? Is there a general good feeling or does someone simply want to score points? Or want to shock? Some people like to curse; others are offended by it. For me, it’s a distraction and a barrier to connection; for others, it’s a bridge, a way to establish an easy intimacy.
How we talk together is only part of the matter; what we talk about is equally important. Some people love gossip and see it as a form of human interest. Other people view it as discourteous and demeaning. It’s usually pretty obvious, from the lack of response, if our conversational partner doesn’t want to talk about something. For instance, many people, maybe most people, don’t like to talk about sex, even on an abstract level. As for me, I’m ever-interested in the topic, both in theory and in practice, but many of my friends lapse into silence if I go there.
During this particular time in American history, there is much to discuss and much to deplore. Many of us are overwhelmed by the speed with which American institutions and values are being trashed. It’s hard to avoid talking about the destruction, yet these conversations are overwhelming and deeply depressing. Aside from showing up at the next demonstration, there seems little we can do to change things, so just to keep our sanity, we tell each other, “Let’s not talk about it now.” That usually works for about five minutes.
Some people like to talk about books, some people like to talk about shopping. Food? Beauty? Movies? Travel? Perhaps the subjects aren’t as important as the sophistication with which they are discussed, and the vocabulary we use in the discussion. I am physically thrilled when I’m introduced to a new word or phrase, such as Kurt Vonnegut’s “granfalloon”: “a proud and meaningless association of human beings," such as the Daughters of the American Revolution. For Vonnegut, a granfalloon is characterized by an excessive and often dangerous zeal for identity and belonging.
I am also delighted with the following phrases to which I’ve been introduced of late: “pedestal building,” “semantic bleaching,” and “replication crisis.” These are not just new phrases; they are new ideas.
As a youngster, I was deeply impressed by hearing, who knows where, that there are three levels of conversation. The lowest level is talking about things (and an even lower level, I may add, is talking about the price of things). The next level is talking about people, including public figures. The highest level is talking about ideas. To some extent, I still endorse this hierarchy, though many conversations flow between levels.
Humor is a rock upon which many a conversation, and relationship, founders. What one person finds amusing, another finds offensive: “That isn’t funny!” To laugh at the same things means we have the same values, the same references, and the same general outlook on life. If you do find the same jokes or situations to be hilarious, you are likely to have great conversations, and many laughs, together.
Do we need to have the same values to talk well together? Perhaps, rather, we need to share a certain stance. I prize intellectual curiosity and emotional understanding above all; others may prefer other things. For conversational ease, it helps to have a major thing or two in common, such as a livelihood or a neighborhood. Commonality fuels good talk—but so do our different life experiences. Compare and contrast!
I’ve broken down “talk chemistry” here for analysis and understanding, but in reality, it isn’t that complex. You generally know pretty soon if someone’s on your conversational wavelength, if you spark each other up. It’s a little like physical attraction. It usually doesn’t take long to learn if the two of you have chemistry.
And if you have both kinds of chemistry, you may well be falling in love.
Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash
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A national phenomenon in its initial release, JUST SAY YES was the first mainstream "marijuana memoir," chronicling the experience of smoking cannabis nearly every day for over 50 years. The new edition has nine new chapters and a foreword by veteran cannabis advocate Steve DeAngelo.
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Very thought provoking! There is another level or perhaps “mode” of conversation and that is - this. Right here. Me responding to you in a text-like environment. I’ve seen interesting conversations develop over time, in these short word-bursts…again, great article 👍
For the past 15 years I have been running with the same group of guys. Most of them are about ten years my junior. When I first started running with them, the conversations usually involved their school age children who were involved in sports.
One of my fellow runners is their soccer coach, so if he was with us, you can imagine what the topic was going to be. Now that their kids are now in college, they are not part of the conversational mix as much. Since we are all runners and triathletes, we frequently talk about what’s going on in the elite levels. Also, we are all anti-Trump, so we sometimes commiserate about the situation in our country.