Pondering the Pyramid of Pleasure
Today, I find myself considering the meaning of pleasure and pleasure-adjacent words and mulling over the differences between them. Once again, I marvel at the richness of the English language, with its many words to describe similar feelings.
To me, there’s a pleasure pyramid as follows:
Joy (bliss, ecstasy)
Pleasure (sensual enjoyment)
Happiness (deep contentment)
Satisfaction (being pleased)
The bottom layer, with the sturdiest bricks, is satisfaction. Things are basically going well. You’re not in crisis. If you were asked, “How are you?” you would say “fine.” You can be satisfied like this most of the time.
The second layer is happiness. It involves a deeper contentment and can be felt here and there throughout the day, throughout the week. You feel it when things are going very well—but also, at times, for no particular reason, and when happiness washes over you like that, you feel deeply appreciative. Why now? Why me? Whatever: thank you!
Pleasure is the third layer. Even in a pleasure-filled life like mine, I spend less time in pleasure than I do in general happiness. Reliable sources of pleasure are different for everyone: for me, some routine pleasures are the hot shower, gazing into my dog’s eyes, and the first bite of dinner. (Somehow, I don’t taste when I cook—I just sniff—so the first bite is a revelation.)
I think we can increase our pleasures more easily than we can increase satisfaction, happiness, or joy. We can make a decision to infuse our lives with more sensual indulgences—perhaps fresh flowers, fresh jam, or fresh air.
And joy? Ecstatic bliss? That’s the rarest of all, at the top of the pyramid! It can be achieved through unexpected triumph (your experiments worked! you sold your story!), through sudden communion (you weren’t sure, but she loves you back!) and, of course, through sex. An orgasm is at the very pinnacle of the pyramid. According to the Cleveland Clinic, “An orgasm usually lasts a few seconds and feels very good.” (I like the understatement here.) So it’s a tiny part of our existence yet it’s so important that some people leave their partners of many years just for a better orgasm! This never fails to astound me.
I’ve mentioned some of my reliable pleasures. Here are another three. I encourage you to consider which three moments in your day give you reliable pleasure, and to think about others you might welcome to your life.
That first cup of coffee. It’s not just about the coffee; it’s about finally sitting down! I start the weekday by running with the dog, and then I do a workout, and then I tidy the bedroom and make the bed, and then I get into the shower and get dressed, and then I make breakfast, so when I finally sit down and have that first sip, I’ve been up for two hours and whew! It feels so fantastic to be settling into a chair. My coffee is creamy and sweet, more like dessert than a drink, and I bring it to my lips. That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
The first joint of the day. I usually smoke more than once, but the first high is always the best, and soon I feel that delicious suffusion, that confidence, that heightened sensuality that cannabis brings me. New subscribers may not know that I’m a weed habitue and advocate, but I am, oh, I am. I’m getting excited about the April 20, 2025 publication of . . .
The final pleasure of the day is getting into bed and pressing up against my husband. He gets up very early to bike or run, so he’s always in bed before I am. He knows I like to curl into his back, so even in sleep, he turns onto his side so I can encircle him. I have brought a very soft pillow to place between my head and his back, and I put one leg over his hip. Then I snuggle against him, adjusting myself to get comfortable. Is it those adjustments or the seconds just after that are so exquisite?
Looking over these three favorite times in my day, I see that they are all moments of transition from tension to relaxation. Again, it’s the high-contrast life. All tension would be tough, all relaxation would be boring, but tension followed by the relaxation. . . that works!
Your Pleasure Pyramid is great, and it reminded me of a woman I knew in the 90s in New York City. She was a former Broadway dancer in her 70s who taught classes at my theater school. She always wore a very strong perfume, and we asked her about it all the time, but she refused to tell us, saying, "I won't tell anyone the secret of my greatest joy!" On the last day of class she finally brought in the bottle of perfume she used, and it was called JOY! She let us pass it around and hold it in our hands, telling us, "Find something that makes you joyful every single day."
Ah, yes: spooning. And what do you recommend for those who are unpartnered?